Royal River Luxury Hotel

“So good, I'm going to HAVE to return.”

As my wife and I age [me more than she], the prospect of Long-Haul flights get evermore resistible and we can’t always afford Business Class. So, we decided on the Canaries, a closer destination and one which I enjoyed many times a half-century ago. The Jet2 ‘Indulgent’ Package appealed with Priv… more

As my wife and I age [me more than she], the prospect of Long-Haul flights get evermore resistible and we can’t always afford Business Class. So, we decided on the Canaries, a closer destination and one which I enjoyed many times a half-century ago. The Jet2 ‘Indulgent’ Package appealed with Private Taxi Transfers, etc and the Royal River appeared intriguing with its Villas with Heated Private Pools, but adjoining a 100m meandering shared [also Heated] Pool connecting the Villas and the Photos were indeed luring. The 4½ hour flight was a bore, since the seats were cramped too tightly, there was no entertainment and the onboard food was the usual Cardboard, but enough of that! The private Merc Transfer was indulgent and the aircon appreciated in the 23C heat, which was a pleasant surprise after England in December. The Hotel was/is STUNNING. It must have cost the Owner a small fortune in its design, River/Pool arrangement and meticulous attention to co-ordinated detail. The décor is an Interior Designer’s Wet Dream. The landscaping plants alone would have cost a King’s Ransom and it is spectacularly well cleaned. A BIG Plus - It's Adults ONLY! There are some ‘Minuses’, but they are small [if you come prepared, which is why I’m reviewing in detail] and for the moment I will not dwell on any negativity. So, to the ‘Plusses’. The Hotel overall is deserving of its 5 Stars. The Staff are excellent, prompt, efficient, polite and attentive. A big Shout-Out to Patrizia, who will prepare the finest Steak Tartare at your table if you ask. Quite the best I have had in my 79 years and I have travelled a lot. Francesco, the Spanish Waiter who spent 2 years in the UK and whose English is better than mine and of course, ‘Mi Pequena Dama’, who I will miss serving me at my Breakfast Table with a Hug and a morning Kiss on the Cheek. She is a 4’ 10” Spanish Mamma and bundle of energy and rules the Breakfast Waiting Staff. The River Villas are astonishingly large [120m3] with a Bedroom, Lounge, vast Bathroom, walk-in Dressing Room and huge Terrace by the private, heated Pool. Another huge Plus. The furniture I will score Even, since no Hotel furniture, anywhere is ever comfortable being designed by ‘effect’ and ‘style’, eschewing comfort. I lie – The Carlton in Cannes is supremely comfortable, but at a shocking price. The Rooms are thoroughly cleaned in the mornings and again in a Turndown Service in the evenings – luxury! The aircon works well, but does not heat and whilst it’s Spring-like at 23C, the evenings or indeed some days can be chilly if it’s cloudy, so pack a sweater or two. [With Jet2’s Indulgent package you get 25Kg]. Housekeeping will provide a portable electric heater if you ask. Now here’s some important advice about the Food. With just one exception, the food in the Hotel is perfect, however the Website boast of 4 Restaurants intimates they are all open on the same days, affording choice. They are not. OK, so December is ‘Low Season’ and the Hotel is at perhaps 20% occupancy, so the Management reduce staff levels and rotate them across the food venues. However, on many evenings there is just one Restaurant and Room Service! Of course you can go out to dine, but the nearest Restaurant is a £20 Cab ride and the better ones, further still, so be warned. However, the Big Plus is there is Zero Room Service Charge. As said the food is great, but pricey. A Club Sandwich and Fries will cost you £35 and a 2-Course Meal for two averages £200 including drinks. The Wine Cellar is beyond description, but beware, 95% of the Wines are £100+. Beers are £6 for 250cl and a Vodka and Tonic will cost £15. Just so you know. Despite the Villas costing £650 a night, don’t expect clean bedsheets every night, nor clean towels; these are scheduled by the Bean-Counters to be changed only every other day, but if you stamp your foot loudly enough, the changes become daily. Happy Days!! Back to the one BAD Meal we had. Lauded as a 6-Course Taster, it was clearly a rushed [and untried – we attended on its first day] Chef’s oeuvre to a Managerial demand and it sadly failed. However, after leaving most of it, our Bill was Zeroed. A good Managerial decision. So, lots of Big Plusses and a few Minuses. Two more small Minuses which you do need to know if you expect the usual 5* facilities. There is no Shop inside the Hotel, so if you need a battery for your Laptop Mouse [as I did], or a Cap or the like, it’s a £20 Cab Ride away. Also, no Currency Exchange in the Hotel or indeed in Adeje. The Canarians no longer accept foreign currencies. It’s Euros or Cards – be prepared…… If you are a Petrol Head [like me], visit the vast heated, underground Garage where the Owner keeps his 427 Shelby Cobra, his Triumph Vitesse Convertible, his Porsche and a pristine 1950’s Landie. In conclusion, despite the downers, now I know what I know about the place, it’s so nice I’m considering coming back next year, fully prepared!

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